CATCH
THE
DANGER
CLAM!
DANGER CLAM! | VINTAGE EDITION | The Official Retro Flux TV Tank | Comfort Colors Unisex Garment-Dyed
The Retro Flux TV Tank
Humanity is a fucking miracle. We crawled out of the primordial soup, learned to communicate, built civilizations, split the atom, went to space and landed people on the fucking moon. Then we spent the next few decades inventing reality television, online dating and comment sections. Clearly, all that evolution was for nothing.
Somewhere along the way, we decided that pretending to have our shit together was preferable to admitting we're all just anxious bags of meat with mortgages, unresolved childhood bullshit and an alarming dependence on substances that keep us functional. We wake up, go to work, pay bills, pretend we're emotionally stable, make terrible decisions and eventually die. Apparently that's called having a life.
And you're no exception.
You've fucked things up. Repeatedly. Sometimes spectacularly. You've trusted people who couldn't be trusted with a fucking houseplant. You've stayed in relationships that should have been buried six months earlier. You've sent messages you immediately regretted, said things you absolutely should have kept inside your skull, and made decisions that required the phrase, “Well, nobody fucking died.”
Yet here you are.
Still alive.
Which sounds inspirational until you remember that rats, cockroaches and herpes have also demonstrated an impressive commitment to survival.
Damage Control Is Basically Personal Growth
The Retro Flux TV Tank is for anyone who has reached that magical stage of life where self-improvement has quietly given way to damage control. You're no longer trying to become the best version of yourself. You're just trying to prevent the worst version from getting arrested.
You've learned that people don't necessarily become wiser with age. They simply become more experienced at defending their bullshit. You've learned that “everything happens for a reason” is usually said by someone who has absolutely no fucking idea what that reason is. You've learned that closure is mostly bullshit, karma has terrible customer service, and the universe doesn't give a flying fuck about your personal growth.
It just keeps spinning while you try not to lose your fucking mind.
So fuck it.
Have the inappropriate thought. Make the filthy joke. Flirt with the terrible idea. Ignore the warning signs. Make the questionable decision and then spend three days pretending you don't remember making it.
That's not poor judgment.
That's tradition.
We arrive screaming, spend several decades accumulating debt, trauma, regrets, bad relationships, useless knowledge and passwords we can't remember, then eventually become somebody else's administrative fucking nightmare.
What a species.
Be A Fucking Problem
And somehow, despite all this magnificent human stupidity, you're still here. Not because you're particularly brave. Not because you've figured life out. Mostly because your body apparently hasn't received the memo that this whole experiment was a terrible fucking idea.
So go out there and be a problem.
You've already disappointed yourself. You've probably disappointed other people. At this point, you may as well have some fucking fun with it.
Humanity is a disaster. You're a disaster. I'm a disaster. We're all just temporary biological accidents with opinions, credit scores and an unhealthy amount of confidence.
The difference is that some of us have finally stopped pretending that's embarrassing.
Eventually, there won't be a plan, there won't be a problem, and there won't be a you.
Until then, laugh at the absurdity. Embrace the fucked-up bits. Make the joke nobody else has the balls to make.
You've only got a limited amount of time before you're reduced to paperwork.
Try not to be boring.
DANGER CLAM! | VINTAGE EDITION | The Official Retro Flux TV Tank | Comfort Colors Unisex Garment-Dyed Size Guide
| Size label | A | B |
|---|---|---|
|
XS
|
25.25
|
16 1/2
|
|
S
|
26.63
|
17 1/2
|
|
M
|
28
|
19 1/2
|
|
L
|
29.38
|
21.25
|
|
XL
|
30.75
|
23
|
|
2XL
|
31.63
|
25
|
|
3XL
|
32 1/2
|
27
|
